5 Lessons I Learned About Failure, Success & Love in 2009
By Melanie Benson Strick | January 1st, 2010As I wrap up 2009 I feel it’s important for me to acknowledge a turning point in my career. I’ve made my year-end accomplishment lists, acknowledged the gifts that 2009 brought to me and feel complete with it. I’m sharing these five lessons with you because this last year was one of the most transformational times of my life. It wasn’t all rosy and perfect—it was down right excruciating and painful. But these challenges and frustrations also brought me gifts.
I think one of the big disservices many “experts and gurus” do in this industry is hide their real situations until they can turn them into a great marketing story. Trust me, I’ve been tempted to do that.
Part of my own “Get Real Revolution” has been to be as transparent as possible. Why? First, I want you to know that if you are struggling you aren’t alone. Second, because struggling is optional. At every turning point you can take an obstacle and turn it into a powerful teaching tool. That’s what I had to remember to do every step of the way.
Often it felt impossible.
Mostly I hated it.
Every day I’ve become more of the leader and visionary I’m meant to be by turning the obstacles into opportunities.
I share my five biggest lessons from 2009 with you to pave the way for many of us to shed what’s holding us back, what we judge as a problem and turn it into an opportunity to grow.
1. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS (Always)
This has been a big lesson for me this year. The only times I made mistakes this year was when I did not listen to my gut instinct. The more I did listen – even if I didn’t know what it meant – the happier I’ve been.
One place I totally trusted my instincts to move forward was starting The Get Real Revolution Show. I felt it in every fiber of my being that it was necessary for people to hear from the “gurus” and peers what is really going on inside of our heads and hearts. It’s been challenging yet exhilarating to put on a weekly radio show. The feedback from people on how it has been a powerful catalyst in their own life makes it all worthwhile.
When I didn’t listen to a few hunches I lost a boatload of money. Typically it came in the form of trusting someone else’s input over my own inner wisdom. Ouch. Those lessons are always painful. From a bookkeeping service to a costly marketing expert to a painful loss in a big project (we’re talking almost $50k here).
Each of these mistakes was preceded by an internal message, “This doesn’t feel right.” But for some reason I dismissed it and plunged forward anyway. You’d think I learned this one already.
Got it now. Lesson #1 learned. Always listen to my hunches.
2. A STRENGTH OVERUSED BECOMES YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS
I am a collaborator and connector at heart. I thrive when playing with other people. I love bringing major players together to make something happen that’s much bigger than I might have accomplished on my own. This is a great strength for me.
I realized this year that I have over-relied on collaboration. It created a dependency for me (oh how saying this makes my stomach turn) that caused me great angst. I could probably even use the term “co-dependent” – I over relied on some key people to lift me up at the expense of my own needs. I gave to others when I most needed to honor my own needs first.
Lesson #2 learned. Remember the purpose of collaboration: align with people to balance strengths not overcompensate for a weakness.
3. KNOW WHEN TO PULL THE PLUG
Timing is everything. Knowing when to stop doing something is just as important as knowing when to start. Having mentored hundreds of entrepreneurs, I’ve seen the struggle of “when” over and over again in these areas:
- When to let someone on the team go
- When to stop offering a program
- When to extract from a partnership
- When to exit a business
- When do you give up vs. plunge past a barrier
This year I held off on pulling the plug on some expensive resources because of loyalty and a deep belief that I could make it work. This is where Taurus stubborn tendencies get in my way. I waited too long and it not only hurt me but hurt others involved. Damn. Trying to do the right thing can become the wrong thing when it’s not for the right reasons.
Lesson #3 learned. Letting go early can be better for everyone.
4. DON’T PERSONALIZE “FAILURE”
It’s hard to even write this one. I intellectually get that a failure is nothing more than feedback. But when it happens in a massive, Perfect Storm kind of way it’s really difficult to take your own advice. Feeling like I might let someone down is my kryptonite (I’m working on this one.) It sucks me into a black hole that’s hard to get out of.
I let some “failures” really affect me this year. I went down a rabbit hole and had a hard time getting back out. I lost my vision, my mojo and my motivation for awhile. I’m pretty resilient with one or two big set backs. But more than ten – I guess that’s my threshold.
Luckily I’m surrounded by amazing friends who weren’t willing to let me stay in that rabbit hole. Thanks to the power of values alignments (Robert Hirsch reminded me to go back to the basics) and NLP (Stephan Stavrakis is brilliant NLP mentor) I shifted my thinking back into place.
I reconnected to the truth about my set backs (my support systems helped me see something I couldn’t see when everything was rosy) and strengthen my ability as a mentor to support others who are scared or feeling beaten down.
As I began to embrace the real purpose of these setbacks I encountered friend after friend sharing their own excruciating journey this year with failure, disconnect and a loss of their way. It gave me courage and reminded me none of us are alone.
Oh, and the truth about failure is this: A set back doesn’t define who I am. It is a teaching tool to make better choices in the future.
Glad to be done with #4 thank you very much.
5. BE OPEN TO SUCCESS LOOKING DIFFERENT
This last one probably should be #1. This year I experienced some very big successes that I didn’t recognize at first. The first one is that I met the love of my life. This is so big to me is because I could have missed out on it. Quite honestly, he didn’t really appear to look like my “criteria.” He’s not from this industry, had no idea people paid $15,000 to get mentored and had a J.O.B.. He has become my rock, I adore him, and he is so much more than I could have asked for. I have a true partner who is just as committed to personal growth, financial success and making a difference as I am. It just shows up differently. He’s involved in real estate investing and construction. Who knew?
Success is defined by a state of being. Success is feeling aligned with what’s important. The key is recognizing the difference between getting what is aligned with my truth vs. a very surface list of needs. In business, we often pursue our glory list (that aligns us with some very surface and ego-based needs) at the expense of what will really make us happy.
It was a great lesson in recognizing true success often comes in a package that doesn’t immediately look like what we wanted. But when you peel back the wrapping, the core is exactly what we need.
2009 did not exactly look like I thought it would. In a lot of ways I’m disappointed. I choose to use this experience to strengthen my resolve, to go deeper into my truth, create a stronger anchor for growth and make 2010 happier, funner and more rewarding by not defining ME by my business. =-) Feels good even writing that!
Lesson #5 done. Being happy and feeling successful breeds more happiness and success.
I love to hear what your biggest lessons from 2009 have been. How have they been your teacher…your catalyst to grow and leave behind mediocre for greatness?
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January 1st, 2010 at 3:24 pm
[...] 5 Lessons I Learned About Failure, Success & Love in 2009 :: The … [...]
January 2nd, 2010 at 7:04 am
[...] 5 Lessons I Learned About Failure, Success & Love in 2009 :: The … [...]
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:32 am
I’ve also made my year end accomplishments list and found it ever more important because I could very easily just shut the door on 2009 and never look back. In fact, thats what we are taught to do, learn from our failures and move on. My failures in this case were personal, and deep and could have been tragic! I spent 4 months separated from my husband, and my family’s reality was drastically rocked…
I could simply shut off those memories, understandably.
But if I did, I would also turn away from the fact that we overcame great difficulties to persevere and came out stronger than the day we were married… imagine that!
My lesson? YOU cannot make someone do ‘personal development’. If they are to change, it must come from within. Your job is to simply be patient and treat them like the person they are to become. Huge lesson, absolutely huge!
So I examined last year and was pretty blown away. In may cases, the lessons I learned echo what you stated above.
Knowing when to pull the plug : I left my position as a trainer for a company I’d worked with for 2 years to pursue a position with a new company. I could have held on to that thin veil of success – but I trusted my instincts and got off of a sinking ship.
I learned how not to personalize failure, especially when the reasons can be so clearly pointed out as being external to myself…
and I did learn that sometimes success looks different.
I accomplished some amazing things in 2009 as a business woman – but my ultimate success was beyond a shadow of a doubt, the preservation of my family!
January 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Melanie,
I just read your blog post and it brought tears to my eyes. The reason I’m actually in my office, near my computer, is to file away my 2009 Gratitude Journal, in which I just finished writing my notes for my ‘year in review’. So similar to yours………..and thus the reason for this note. Similar journey – similar lessons (well, except that I didn’t meet the man of my dreams…..yet). The past 10 years have seen monumental changes in my life and, while typically very goal-oriented and a high achiever, this past year did not bring about the accomplishments I set out to experience. Hmmmm, as Oprah says: “another year – another opportunity to start over again!”. Thank goodness for that.
Thanks so much for sharing your heart-felt journey. You’re right in that I watch, read, follow many ‘gurus’ (using that term loosely) and always get the sense that everything is ‘right with their world’. Thanks for being so real. I do look foward to meeting you some time this year……don’t know where, don’t know when……just know the ‘why’ – because I want to. I feel as though you are a similar credible other!
Happy New Year! Happy New You!
Pat
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Amazing courage to go through a separation from your partner. Sounds like things are moving towards a positive outcome…and I know how much strength it takes to honor someone on a path that looks different than we really want. Thanks for sharing your experiences and accomplishments from 2009!
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Well now that the intention is out there its bound to happen Pat. I love the Oprah quote…thanks for sharing it!
January 2nd, 2010 at 2:13 pm
What a great conclusion to your year. While I read this Melanie, it was as though you were in my own head! And, I was struck by the similarities that so many of the powerful women I know also experienced in 2009.
In 2009 my wins and failures ran as broad as a spectrum as one might imagine. I started the year with high hopes and expectations and with some of the largest contracts I had to date, firmly in place. I owned two successful businesses and was launching some truly exciting products. The year was off to a great start and then July came – I found myself feeling depleted, worn out and dare I say, blue. Truth be told, I was feeling out of control and not having any fun. (Insert that gut instinct I ignored.)
Pressing through to the fall and a very large event I was co-hosting with a business partner, I had the (not-so-brilliant) idea of putting all business marketing personally on hold. I was solely focusing on the one big event for October. As my intuitive hits kept pouring on, I pushed them aside because to acknowledge them and take action in my mind would have been a failure. And failure was not an option. Melanie, I totally identified with your rabbit hole. I went so far down it, I was actually afraid to look up out of it. And fear is nothing more than a mindset, I knew that to breakthrough it was to simply acknowledge what I was standing in. So I declared to those around me that “I was muddling” and I was just “OK.” Yes, it sent shock waves through my networks, because Tammy is never just “OK” and to say that something is wrong must be serious.
For the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt relief and a sense of complete and total ease, as I muddled through for clarity.
The clarity came in the form of ending a business partnership and re-identifying my Lane. Additionally, I made some adjustments to my team and course corrected on my focus. Oh and I defined what FUN meant for me and asked for help for the first time. I also realized that it no longer was about can I do something on my own, I don’t want to do on my own.
So at the end of 2009 as I reflected on this up and down, twilight zone kind of year, I couldn’t help but smile. While it was a great year on so many levels, it was equally as disappointing, which (perhaps odd to some) gives me satisfaction too.
Congratulations on your wins and loses. As you embark on the journey of the New Year and new decade, may you truly honor those instincts, identify the rabbit hole and step over it and above all else, keep love in your life and have fun! Thank you for the contribution that you make.
Make it a great day!
Tammy
January 2nd, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Sometimes I wonder if our drive and determination is an insidious enemy to our intuition. So easy to plow right past all those warning hunches and focus on getting things done. Thanks Tammy for sharing your amazing journey too! Would love to have you join us at http://www.getrealrevolution.com as you obviously are just as committed to being real!
January 2nd, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Melanie thank you for sharing your inspirational story.
More so because so many people out there have lived this same story but have not had the courage to tell it unless it was beneficial to their bottom line.
2009 was a real eye opener to me about the person I want to be and the people I want to associate with in business. 2009 was actually a very good year for me but also very turbulent because I saw the ugly side of people’s personality in business and it is something that I do not aspire to be.
Values play a tremendous role in the success of my business and I lost a few ‘mentors’ along the way because their values and mine just did not align. At first I thought it would cost me dearly but I found walking away and being able to look at myself in the mirror was more important and obviously what attracted my current market to me. So I know that I made the right decision even though at the time it seemed quite scary.
As for going with what your gut is telling you. I have been blessed with pretty good intuition throughout my life which has helped me to grow and become very successful. When I learnt it was not important to be ‘popular’ but more important to be ‘true to yourself’ then I started to create a network of friends, colleagues and business partners that wanted to grow successfully together not at the expense of each other.
2009 for me will be remembered as a year where I found my passion, my niche, my true friends and my value. A year where I grew personally, professionally and spiritually. And a year where I fell in love with my husband of 7 years all over again. A man who not only loves me, but supports and inspires me to greatness and for that I have been truly blessed. Also a year when I realised that being a MUM is the most important role in my life and everything else comes second.
It is also a year where the word ‘GURU’ got washed down the drain and the true meaning of ‘Leadership’ and ‘Making a Difference’ in the lives of others shone through.
I see a big shift happening in 2010 and I am really, really excited.
Congratulations on finding the love of your life Melanie, that alone will make 2009 the most memorable year ever. The rest is just a learning and growing time in your life that will see you SHINE in 2010.
Thanks for sharing. I found this very inspirational.
You are truly one in a million and you will ROCK this year. BRING IT ON!
Cheers
Pam Brossman
Sydney, Australia
January 2nd, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Melanie
I have never read your blog before. I think I found your name via an example in an Ali Brown Online success Blueprint and because you were the Million Dollar Lifestyle Coach I made some assumptions about you and your accomplishments.
Reading your blog has shown me that you are faced with the same challenges as many of us business owners. I can relate to letting go of people, trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole, knowing full well in your gut it was time to move on and continuing to make excuses as why not to.
I appreciate your candor and honesty in how you have wrapped up 2009 as I work on my plans for 2010. I am looking forward to an amazing year of success both personally and professionally.
I wish you the same.
Lisa
January 2nd, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Well Lisa the interesting thing is I’ve had the experience of being at the million dollar level…and I’ve had the experience of some of my goals not manifesting last year. It’s really hard to become well known for being a millionaire then have that accomplishment again the next year.
I came to realize that the pressure to keep up is often quite damaging…and when we do what we love because we are good at it, the wealth comes naturally. I still made good money but it came with a lot of angst. I recently read an interesting article about turn arounds (as I prepare to teach what I’ve learned to my Fast Track participants) that often reaching for a new market is a trigger for failure. I reached for a market that my partner understood, but I didn’t, and it weakened me. Ooops. Now I know.
Thanks for the note and for sharing your own journey. Many new things are in store for all of us…can’t wait!
January 2nd, 2010 at 5:59 pm
I am sure 2010 will be a great year because you have taken time to reflect, refocus and share.
I agree, putting a statement out there with the word “millionaire” can be a double edged sword. I operate a business that did 1.2M in sales last year but my price point is high and so is the cost of inventory.
Many people aspire to the million dollar level but fail to understand sometimes the number is not always reflective of the net or gross end result.
In any case, your blog was wonderful to read. I love how human and real you were in sharing with us and I wish you the best for 2010. I will keep reading!
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Thanks for sharing your story Melanie. I REALLY appreciate your honesty.
I had some huge growing pains and some really painful experiences too.
I followed my intuition on something and still got burned so I’m not sure what that lesson is.
But the biggest lesson for me was waking up to the fact that I was measuring success in other people’s terms and “trying to keep up with the Jones’s” when it wasn’t making me happy and like you said, feeling like I had to keep living up to my reputation.
I had to find renewed meaning in my life and realized that for me that means finally starting to fulfill goals other than in my business which has been my sole focus for the last 5 years.
I also learned that I couldn’t start experimenting and taking my business in a different direction without keeping my bread and butter programs going until the new ones kick in monetarily.
I also learned that I couldn’t grow my business bigger without forging strategic partnerships. And that I just had to let go
and if it’s not perfect then so be it. (I’d been burned by one in the past and really hadn’t wanted to do it again.) The key is having a good exit strategy in place before you commit!
And I found strength and the confidence to value what I do at a whoe other level through an amazing mastermind group of successful women entrepreneurs that I am blessed to be a part of.
January 3rd, 2010 at 10:53 am
Thank you Melanie for your post, it was inspiring. I’ve been reflecting on the past year for a few days now and can honestly say I’m ready for 2010 to be fantastic.
The biggest lesson I learned was to make decisions that were right for me, not that were right for everyone else. I’ve lived most of my life making decisions that were in alignment with what others wanted. I’d venture out on my own with my own agenda and then feel like I had to justify it or make excuses so that others felt better, and wince when (after letting the doubt and negativity steer my course) I had to listen to “we told you so now play it safe like you should.” (not in those words of course but that is the general gist of it).
This past year, I put what I wanted first, what was better for me and ultimately what was better for my son in the long run, not just what would make it easier at the moment for all of us. I left a long term relationship and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. But after many changes had taken place in my household and the dust settled, I finally was experiencing peace, quiet, contentment and pure joy.
The second thing I learned was to be very clear on stating what you want lol. Don’t leave it up to others or to the universe to figure out the details of what you want, be specific! Just like we are more effective when we have a specific direction for our life (goals/intentions), the universe can better deliver what we desire with direction from us.
My business took a back seat last year during all these changes, I lost my focus and drive but came out with a new direction and am ready to face 2010 and make it a year of “growth”. That’s my themeword for the year.
Lots of big goals this year, so I’m working now on focusing my attention in a balanced way to achieve all of them!
Congrats on finding your ideal partner and best wishes for a fantastic 2010. It is going to be amazing for many of us, who allow it to be.
Spread Your Wings & Fly
January 3rd, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Hi Mel
you are a very special inspiring woman, thank you.
I enjoyed your piece, and especially enjoy point number 5. I love your insightful differentiation of meeting surface and ego needs and the importance of aligning with your truth and core values. Man, that’s important and so profoundly simple I think most people miss it. I also appreciated some of your other points specifically on the possibility of overcollaboration and on knowing when to let go. Wow.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and life experience with us.
Wishing you absolute success in the way it is truest for you in 2010.
Lisa
January 4th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
thanks Lisa, Marie & Ellen for sharing your own journeys and how this post impacted you. I agree Lisa, values & alignment with your truth is PROFOUNDLY simple. Yet many of us feel disconnected because we don’t trust it. Makes my mission to help people realign even more important!
January 4th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
I’m so moved by your disclosure and can certainly relate to these life lessons. One for me — Relax! Everything will get done faster and better that way.
Hear you on Get Real Revolution!
January 12th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Melanie, thanks so much for sharing this!
I can identify with so much of it. I think this past year was really hard for a lot of us. But 2010 is going to be better, particularly if we follow the advice you give here.
I know I’m going to take another look at my plans and re-evaluate based on these 5 points. Thank you!
January 12th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
Thanks so much for your honest assessment of 2009.
I too have had a bumpy year. I am trying to put things into perspective and organize my thoughts for moving forward. I am trying to trust my gut and not do what I am “supposed” to do. I am embracing the fact that I am successful and am qualified and am ready to take things to a whole new level. Even if I do it differently than others expect or even I expect. BRING IT ON!
Melanie your honesty is one of the things I respect most about you! You tell it like it is and don’t pull punches. Don’t ever lose that quality.
January 13th, 2010 at 7:50 am
Melanie, what a great article, it takes guts to speak so frankly. I’m happy for you… you really are a special person and deserve all the love and success you attract to yourself.
Just as a reminder for you, early in the year we had a coaching session and I probably haven’t thanked you enough for you helping to literally transform my life… heavy words I know but as a [former] chaser of “bright, shiny objects” that one session helped me FOCUS and take advantage of an amazing business opportunity.
Thanks to your guidance and help I dove into it and today it is very successful. I am grateful to you… for being you and doing what you do… don’t ever change. You are a beautiful person and VERY, VERY good at what you do. I’m certain that 2010 will be the best year of your life… in large part thanks to you, 2010 will be my best.
January 13th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
This was great Melanie.
I appreciate your honesty and am striving to have the same transparency in my business. I wrote about some of my ups and downs of 2009 recently in a post I called Four Dumb Things I Did This Year (that I Don’t Recommend You Do).
I think this trend of greater transparency is only growing. I believe the public is getting more and more sensitive to B.S. and more and more responsive to real voices.
http://parlancetraining.com/blog/fourdumbthings/
January 13th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I agree Isabel, and I’ve seen the damage not being transparent is doing to people who beat themselves up not understanding why they can’t achieve what others do. Thanks for stopping by to leave your comment!
January 13th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Hi Brian, so great to hear how just one session shifted you into such a powerful place of focus. I know you are on fire now…and glad that just one tweak to a brilliant business person can create huge outcomes. You rock!
January 13th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Susan, what a sweet thing to say…”don’t ever lose that quality.” I think I did lose it for awhile and it’s because I lost that connection with me. I’m back. I’m glad. And I’m happy that it positively affects others. So looking forward to seeing you soar this year!
January 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Judy…can’t wait to hear what you shift around your plans…keep me posted!
January 13th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
thanks Rhonda…I know it’s a big one to get the “RELAX” lesson. Sometimes slowing down does help us speed up in the long run. =-)
January 14th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Excellent article. So natural! It takes courage to reflect and come up with lessons learned. Thanks.
Lessons learned-
1. Even though I made bigger income goals for 2009, I had to make several course corrections, bearing in mind that my WHY is more important than the goal itself. My WHY. was to spend more time with my family and provide for my childrens’ education. Well as a family we had challenges such as facing lay off, reducing my income goal, etc-but when I focused on my WHY, it helped me to courageously take two steps back, to go one step forward. Success came to me as my children getting scholarship, part time jobs to pay for their tuition ( my income was meant for that).
2. Do your best to do one marketing activity every day. When we are not making a sale, focus on learning something, by reading articles like this one, listening to an audio etc and keep preparing for the unknown opportunity, so that when the opportunity shows up, you are prepared to grab it( the so called LUCK).
3. Let go of pushing for something, but keep on working on YOURSELF, so that something pulls you forward.